Life is busy.
Prioritizing time together as a couple is vital. It is easy to allow career, children, family events, and home responsibilities to take a front row seat over spending time as a couple. Life is busy. Planning a weeknight dinner can seem more imperative then checking in with your partner. As a result, couples tend to drift apart feeling less connected, less appreciated, hidden or forgotten.
Why is time together important?
A marriage is a living breathing thing. Survival and growth of living things are dependent on what is invested into them. For instance, when you spend time creating memories, and being there for one another during difficult times, and good times, we tend to feel closer and therefore more connected. On the contrary, when we spend time apart often, focused on the business of running a household, money, and neglecting our couple time, we tend to feel separate, and therefore less connected. The relationship bond can grow wild, splitting in pieces, and at times having no direction, being chaotic, having unclear meaning, and losing its value. As a result, the relationship can begin to disintegrate or even die.
Does this describe you and your partner?
Are you the couple who have put majority of their energy into managing the home, providing for the family, taxiing children to and from events, or taking care of adult relatives. The couple that has dedicated majority of their time to excelling in career to fulfill a lifelong dream. Those who started out giving one another that one on one attention, but have grown apart. The couple that even when time lends them an opportunity to reconnect they forget how. Meaningful conversations seem elusive. They feel they do not know where to begin conversation or intimate time and become overwhelmed and uninterested.
Tips to Regain Connection:
- Prioritize Your Marriage – Make time where you can reconnect. This can seem difficult. But just as you make time for the shopping, doctor appointments, and work, you must carve out time for your relationship. Tell the kids its our time, so they learn that your time together is important. In addition, this will model good healthy marriage practice.
- Ask Meaningful Questions- We grow through experiences and transitions in life, which means our dreams, desires, and aspirations can change over time too. It is important to be able to share these with our partner, because it creates a shared meaning when planning for the future. Conversation cards can help begin the discussions on these topics. When using these cards, you do not need to come up with the topics of discussions. The cards are designed to take away the stress and pressure in order to allow the natural flow of conversation. A great deck for beginners is the open ended question card deck from the Gottman store. Link listed below.
- Take a Break- Walk together, eat together, coffee or tea together, kiss one another for a few minutes, or once every hour for fun. Regain what it feels like to be thought of and have one on one attention from your partner.
- Schedule fun time- Fun is the priority here! Have fun and enjoy one another’s company. Schedule the serious talks for another time, because at times they can be mundane and suck out the fun. Allow joy and excitement to be natural again. It may take a few times, due to the absence of togetherness focus. But give it time; it will feel natural again. The more you practice the easier it will become.
Talk yourself into it, not out of it:
You may say I have no time for this, no privacy, no space, no desire to do this. Remember time with your partner is a choice. You both need to say yes, because life is busy we have to make time for what is important. The dishes will get clean, laundry will get done, papers will get written, and work will be completed. Your marriage will flourish, being a priority in both of your lives. For additional resources check out links listed below or schedule an appointment today with our couple’s therapist.
This discussion is not referring to relationships that are overrun by addiction or abuse, as those relationships require additional steps to restore and heal. In addition, steps to preserve individual safety are imperative . If you find yourself in an abusive relationship or situation and need help, Call 1-(800) 799-SAFE (7233).
Resources:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Seven Principles for Making A Marriage Work by John M. Gottman PHD & Nan Silver
Amazon or Audible.com
Couples Therapy- Breatheeasytherapy.com
Author: Cynthia A. Piccini MS LMFT
